A serial killer with a sense of humour.

I sleepily opened my car’s trunk and bent over and picked up a black plastic bag and slowly walked toward the river, digging my nose furiously, with my free hand.

I enjoy moments of solitude. No one around to stare at you digging your nose or scratch your ass, as you contemplate if he’s the next one to experience your beloved knife’s cold metal.

Yes, I’m a psychopath. I have extreme tendencies to kill, and fortunately, I was smart and lucky enough to avoid run-ins with the law.

I looked around squinting sleepy-eyed, to check if anyone was there. I undressed the cover to reveal six smaller bags. I looked around another time, and undressed one another cover, and picked the pair of arms and run them across my nose. Aaah, the mingled smell of a dead body and it’s perfume.

I threw the arms into the river as I stepped back and heard the convincing splash.

Next, I emptied the legs onto the array of water as I heard the water make way for its gifts from me. As I emptied the covers, there was eerie silence. It felt like the world had silenced so I could hear the river splashing as it accepted my gifts.

Lastly, I undressed the last cover; the most unacceptable of them all: the head of my last victim. I slowly picked the head and took a deep breath, and let the head roll into the water when I heard the sound that I dreaded.

I heard two splashes, and if I was not mistaken, I had only one victim today, that meant only one head, unless my victim was a greek character that had sprouted another in the meantime.

I quickly turned on my flashlight, quickly and shone it around to see who was the one who had thrown in something into the river. I had to catch hold of this guy, who could possibly have seen what I’d just fed to the river. I felt my handcuffs in my back pocket and reached out to them, as I moved in quietly, swearing under my breath.

I shone it around and found a woman dumping a pair of arms. I swore I saw it. I mean what are the odds you meet a fellow serial killer while dumping a body? I stuffed the torchlight into my pocket and fled because being a serial killer I knew what would be your fate if you spotted a serial killer dumping a body.

I quickly made my way into my car and tried to quickly switch them on and flee when I felt my hand stuck. I couldn’t move it.

I was wrestled to the ground, and my face was facing a torchlight and an exceptionally strong woman.

“I promise this mouth can keep secrets” were my last words.

Well, you wish. I wasn’t dead. the next morning I woke up in this really airy and bright barn. I was handcuffed and gagged, of course. I tried my best wriggling and squirming but handcuffs are truly difficult to come from. I can tell that from my own choices for my victims, and now, from experience, but nothing is ‘not worth a try’.

I heard some footsteps and stopped squirming.

“I’m gonna have to kill you.”

I protested as much as possible with nonverbal actions, but she didn’t seem to get it and drew her sharp blade across my cheek.

I’m thinking you dramatically expected me to wriggle away from my handcuffs, and punch that woman in the face and save my life and this story for good, but I can assure you, none of that happened.

She stood up and picked up a few drops of my blood with a dropper and emptied it into a small tube and sealed with utmost care. She walked across the room and added it to her box of laurels.

She then returned to finish her job. I did the thing that seemed most sensible at that point. I kicked her in the face.

She stumbled and cursed out loud and gained her composure. She stood up to frantic banging on the door. She grit her teeth and squinted at me in frustration slowly went at the door, and peeked through the cracks. She took a deep breath and quickly unlocked my handcuffs, and dragged me along outside the window.

She carefully dragged me to her car and clicked my handcuffs along with the car. I could tell she was scared out of her wits, as I heard her breathing heavily. She silently watched from her car as an old man kicked the door open.

Now, you might wonder, “And this guy’s just watching all this stuff quietly without a single squeak? What an absolute loser.” But trust me, after seeing what was to come, I was extremely relieved with my former decisions.

The old man swore so loudly, I could quite make it out, hundreds of meters away. What he had found, was quite the thing, wasn’t it?

She stormed out of car clicked her gun, and shot the old man bang in the head. I  audibly heard the gunshot and shivered visibly. All these adverbs, because serial killers don’t do these stuff, seriously.

She walked back to the car, wiped sweat and stared at me like the trash she had to take out of her room. I tried smiling sheepishly, but the tape hurt my mouth. She grabbed some sanitizer and carried a large bag to the barn. She returned hours later, it had almost dawned and I can’t say she didn’t have to swat me awake.

“So long to get you killed!” she sighed, as she threw a large black bag onto my lap.

“What were you doing at that time near the river smartie?” she asked me.

I groaned in response to tell her I couldn’t exactly speak, and she smiled, nodded, eye- rolled and just drove on. All in the exact same order.

After hours of driving, I realised she’d driven us back to the river. She ripped my gag off and whispered rudely into my ear, “Who are you?”

“Adam Jones, of course.”

“Haha Adam. Why did you dump a head into the river?”

“Why did you dump a pair of arms into the river?”

“So you did see it. I should have known there was another one in the town. This is all my fault.” she sighed.

She came closer to my face; closer to the point where I could smell her breath. I’m pretty sure it smelt of Oreos.

“I give you two options, I dump you into that river, handcuffs and all, along with your old buddy,” and pointed to the bag “..or you do what you’re told.”

“I have a death wish.”

“PFFT.” she said and slapped my blood stained cheek.

“I’m betting that changed your decision.”

“Nope.” I spat. “I want you to take these handcuffs off before I make any decision.”

“So you can take off without completing the deal, darling?” she smiled.

“The longer you stay here the more unsafe it is for both of us, and you know that.” I reminded her, feeling smug.

Sometimes, I must admit that despite my impeccable sense of bad humour, I am extremely smart at this stuff.

She sighed and gave in and unlocked my handcuffs. She whipped out her gun and waved it threateningly, conveying, ‘You run, I shoot you in the head.’

“Here’s the deal. I do what you tell me but,.”


“..you first do what I tell you.” I said tackling her gun out of her hands and pointing it at her.

“Wow.” she said and smiled, as she accelerated the car straight into a tree.

The car jerked violently, and smoked heavily from the front. I undid the door and rolled on the grass, gun in hand. I slowly approached the other side of the car,

and helped her stand up.

She stood up and I motioned her to put her hands behind. I grabbed my handcuffs from my back pocket and handcuffed her foot to a metal pole nearby.

Quite the woman she was. I disposed her bag for her and returned near the pole.

This is the part where I, the narrator finally become the protagonist. Not quite by the definition, but you know what I mean.

I waved the gun around in air, as I spoke, dramatically. “Deals, we got to make some deals before anything else happens.”

She nodded.

“They’re going to be win-win stuff, don’t worry. You’re leaving the town.”

“That’s not happening, nor is that win-win.”

“Well, things are not going to be good for you, if the deal doesn’t go well y’know? Handcuffs, river and all.”

“Look dude. I could agree now, escape and later not leave town and hunt you down, and get things going, and you know that.”

“Now that you say that, I should probably kill you here.”

“Hmm. Maybe.”


“Okay, here’s the thing. I leave town, and so do you. We’re going to keep it chill, okay?”


“Okay, but how do I know, you’re leaving too, for sure?”


“Guess you’ll never know, huh?”


She sighed and crossed her arms, ans spoke calmly.


“So, here’s the deal. Two serial killers in town, ain’t going to go well for both of us. And both of us know that.”


“I knew something was wrong when three of my victims just went missing.” I exclaimed in frustration.”


“Well, for the record, six of my victims were taken by you.”


“That must have sucked, huh?” I mocked


“How about we join hands?” she piped in.


“We could do that, but that’ll take out all the fun, won’t it?”


“How about we alternate it out? You hunt and bring to me one night, and I’ll take the kill. The next night, the other way round.”


“You, for the first time in your life, may have actually come up with a good idea.”


“You barely know me.” she raised her eyebrow.


“Your choice of victims is horrible bleugh”


“Well, from now on you’re going to be exhausting my taste in victims to the fullest.” she smiled sarcastically, as I undid her cuff.


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